Things That Make Me "Twitch"

About 100 years ago, I recall being in a staff meeting, and our principal explained that we would start using something called "email." Once the inner workings of this new technology were explained, I immediately proceeded to completely lose all sense of composure. "Are you kidding? We have a hard enough time communicating face to face! NOW, we're going to be doing it over computers? This is the end of civilization!" Those may not have been my exact words, but I know I had a pretty big reaction, and it wasn't positive.

Fast forward about 25 years, and BD, at age 17, has discovered Discord. For those not in the know (and yes, I had to look it up), Discord was launched in 2015 as a platform for people with similar interests to share and communicate, particularly in the area of video gaming. My husband and I did a rudimentary analysis of it, and determined that it seemed harmless enough. Very quickly, BD befriended a boy in Egypt. And by boy, I mean, a boy. He was 12. Remember the .7 calculation?. A 12 year old friend for BD was spot-on. I occasionally had thoughts of a lonely, perverted 56 year old man, living with his mother in a dark apartment, posing as a 12 year old, but one day, I happened to walk by BD's laptop, and there on the screen was a cheerful, articulate, 12 year old Egyptian boy. Phew!

Suddenly brightly colored rainbows, unicorns, and butterflies appeared in my line of vision. The internet is not a dark, black hole of corruption! It's a place for kids like BD, who don't really have any friends in the "real world." A place for socially challenged individuals to connect over common interests. BD and BFE (Boy From Egypt) talked about their respective countries, traditions, and language. They shared images of their neighborhoods from Google Earth. When BFE made disparaging remarks about homosexuals, BD calmly and compassionately talked about one of his favorite female teachers; married to a woman. One day, I heard BD exclaim, "Dude! The prayer music is so freaking loud I can barely hear you!" While I cringed a bit at the social awkwardness of the comment (to be expected, given our Aspie Basement Dweller), on some level, I still found it charming. For a time, in addition to his Egyptian friend, BD spent time with young people from Maine, Georgia, and London. I felt like a new world had opened up for BD.

At age 18, one can procure their own ATM card. When one is 19, and working full time, one has access to what would seem to be an obscene amount of money (despite ones parents charging you rent and a third of groceries, internet, and phone). Remember the brightly colored rainbows, unicorns, and butterflies that flitted across my line of vision when BD was making internet connections all over the world? During one fateful spring and summer, the rainbows became nothing more than greasy colors in a puddle of spilled gasoline, the unicorns left for mythical lands unknown, and the butterflies tragically were pinned to a display board in some dark and dusty museum.

Enter, Discord, Twitch, OnlyFans, YouTube, Patreon, GameOn, Instagram, and Twitter (X). In the past 6 months, BD has spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on videos, live stream subscriptions, and game power ups. None of these purchases show up to our house in an Amazon box. In fact, they don't show up to our house at all. For the most part, BD's entire world exists on the world wide web. The image at the beginning of this post shows just a fraction of transactions that occur daily. Or used to occur daily. The ADHD brain is unable to delay gratification, and it is driven by impulse. BD is an intelligent young man. He can tell you what is a good use of money and what isn't. When he sees an $18.00 hamburger on a menu, he will express outrage and dismay. He will read reviews and comparison shop when he wants to buy a new pair of headphones. But, he thinks nothing of spending $25.00 on power ups for Candy Crush, or $14.99 to watch some guy throw various objects into a swimming pool.

This past June, BD was scammed for a jaw dropping $1,200. He met a "woman" on Instagram, who promised things that were never going to come to pass. "She" spun a sad tale of speeding tickets, and car trouble. She told him she loved him. Our sweet, innocent son, always with a heart bigger than big, was vulnerable. My husband and I were completely in the dark. It wasn't until he told us that he was going to be picked up the following Saturday, that the situation slowly and painfully began to unravel. In the moment, he was furious with us for being cautious, for telling him this seemed suspicious, and that we would not allow him to go. I have never seen him so angry. In the end, there was embarrassment, tears, and an assurance that he had learned his lesson. He admitted to needing help with his finances, and with his consent, we put my name on his savings account and checking account. Since then, it's been a struggle for him to walk the line between understanding he is not ready to manage his own money, and wanting to assert his independence and "adultness." He hated when I looked at his transactions and commented on how quickly multiple charges of $4.99 add up to hundreds of dollars. "It's my money! I can do what I want! Leave me alone! I'm an adult!"

A month ago, he was scammed again. Same exact MO. This time, he only sent $400 before I realized what was going on. He swore this time was different. "She" had given him a street address in Boston where she lived. She was driving up soon. My husband and I treaded so lightly. We felt it was important that he figure this out for himself. So I asked him how many days he would give her to make a definite meet up plan before he began to suspect that he had been scammed. He calmly said, "Three days." My husband and I dropped it, but kept close track of those three days. When day three arrived, we asked him what he was thinking, and he said, "I think it's a scam." We tried not to bring up the previous scam. He knew.

All of this brings us to today. BD has access to his checking account, but not his savings account. Every Friday, I deposit $100 in his checking account. He has mostly been okay with this arrangement. He knows about the .7 calculation. We are very open with him about it. He knows in many ways, he's 13, and thirteen year olds don't typically make a couple thousand dollars a month. Also, thirteen year olds are not allowed to have their own ATM cards; with good reason. But in terms of managing money, BD is a 13 year old trapped in a 19 year old body. I've never understood the significance of living one day at a time as much as I have these past 6 months. As I've said to BD many times over the past several months, "We're all just figuring this out. Dad and I have never done this before. You've never done this before. We'll get there, but right now, we're just trying to take it one day at a time." Things that make me twitch, indeed.